gemma

(no subject)

So I saw him again. WAITING FOR HER im assuming. I freakin hate this. I just feel like i'm in a dream everytime I see him waiting. I want to just walk up to him and be like hey just like old days. It was always me he was waiting for =( its so weird how different things are. I completely hate it. I just have to realize it wasn't meant to be, that's what I keep telling myself. I will find someone better I will.
gemma

Today so far =)

Today is going well so far. I decided to wake up at 6am to take my time and strech and study. Then I went to the gym at 7 until 945. I feel pretty accomplished because I always say that I am going to make it to the gym before my classes but I never do. So is 10:55 and I feel really accomplished so far! I'm also trying to change my ways a little bit and eat tiny portions every 3 hours but not eat any later than 5. So we'll see how that goes.
So far today I had a banana = about 80- calories (Ill just round it up to a hundred)
and apples and cinnamon oalmeal = 130
At the gym I did the eliptical for an hour burning a total of 690.
So even though im eating every 3 hours im still trying to keep it under 500. So wish me luck!
gemma

This week

This week is pretty much sucking except for the fact that I've been keeping up with restricting and the gym. I am currently at my highest weight and I just feel soooo shitty about myself because I don't know how I let myself get here. I want to be 100 by Christmas that was my long term goal weight and I'm 134 as of this morning. I don't know how I expect myself to even get near my goal weight, but fuck it i'm keeping it where it is. Thanksgiving break was okay. I just feel like I can't be happy anywhere. When I'm at home I can't wait to be back at schoool and when I'm at school I cant wait until I'm back at home. I don't get it. So my break started with my immediately running back to Josh. We had sex, even though once again he has a girlfriend. Ya I feel guilty and shitty about myself. And he trys telling me i'm the only person he cheats on his girlfriends with? He's such a sleez. Either way that doesn't make m e feel any better about myself. I will obviously be nothing more to him than a booty call. I have come to the realization of this. Because even though he constantly tells me that me and him will happen eventually, it wont. So idk why I keep doing this to myself. Anyway I actually hung out with Kyle from work over break. He didn't blow me off this time. What a suprise. I really don't know what my problem is.. I need to stop falling for guys so fast.
And today I saw Chris.. With another girl.. She was really ugly, but my heart just fell like a million feet. I still am hopelessly in love with him. I am so pathethic. Every single guy that I have had any intrest in this year reminded me of Chris in some way. How fucking pathethic am I? I wish I could get over him. There is nothing even really that special about him. I just suck.
So anyway I am going to lose a ton of weight and feel great about myself over Christmas break. Because the truth is I need sex bad and I didn't even want to have sex with Josh because of how fat I felt but I did anyway. So I am goign to feel amazing about myself in two weeks. The end. I wont have it any other way.
On another note my fucking plug to my laptop broke so im stuck in this computer lounge in my building everytime I want to go on.
I really just hate my life.